The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection by Rokelle Lerner

Author:Rokelle Lerner
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: object, affection, reflection, book, love, narcissists, coping
Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
Published: 2014-10-31T04:00:00+00:00

PART

3

The Narcissistic Client

CHAPTER

11

Narcissus in Wonderland:

The Narcissistic Addict

Lewis Carroll’s fable for children, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, tells about a young woman who swallows a magic pill and drops down a rabbit hole into a strange and wondrous land. If we link that tale to the myth of Narcissus, who is captivated by his own self-image, we have a description of the narcissistic addict: a man or woman who is both narcissistically disordered and lost in a version of wonderland. For some men and women, addiction is characterized by an insatiable desire to recover an infantile state of gratification, which certainly can’t be filled in reality—only in “wonderland.” (Ulman & Paul, 2006; Joslin, 2008)

No one knows exactly how addiction occurs. But narcissists are set up for addictive behavior as their true self goes into hiding at an early age in order to please a parent figure and to survive. Emerging in its place is a false self that writes checks of bravado and grandiosity from an empty bank account.

Narcissists come to believe that they are their false self, but nothing can stop their pernicious sense of shame from bleeding into their reality. With the discovery of mind-altering substances and compulsive behaviors, the painful cracks between the shame and the false self are filled perfectly—if only momentarily—to create a smooth shiny surface: a mirror! And just like Narcissus, as addicts become transfixed on that silvery mirror, they are transported to a warm, safe, and nurturing place where no one can cause them pain. As Phil Joslin, an addiction counselor in London writes, “So powerful is the draw to the silvery pool of the drug that I no longer need food, shelter, or warmth . . . And slowly, day by day I pine and wither away and die.” ( Joslin, 2008)

Eventually the tables are turned, however, and the drug that once provided the narcissist with control over unwanted emotions now begins to control the narcissist. In order for sobriety and recovery to occur, the treatment counselor must develop a relationship with the shameful true self, much to the chagrin of the narcissistic patient. The addiction counselor is unconsciously threatened to avoid making waves in the “pool.” Any ripples will fracture the reflection and the narcissistic addict’s sense of self. Any interventions will be attacked, or ignored. Yet this is precisely the type of therapeutic relationship that is required to begin the path of healing.

It makes perfect sense why a narcissist would turn to alcohol, drugs, or compulsive behavior for comfort. Shame and addiction are natural partners and shame is at the root of compulsive behavior. (Kaufman, 1992) The more internal shame a person feels, the more likely he will be attracted to anything that promises relief from pain and emptiness. Since the core emotion of a narcissist is shame, they are at high risk for addiction to substances ranging from sex to drugs to alcohol.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often leads to use of drugs, particularly stimulants. A

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